HazyDaisy.net|CrazyHazyDaisy’s new home.

I am trying really hard.  Really really hard at doing the opposite of what I always do.  I mentioned in my last post that there is a boy.  I’m tongue tied when it comes to describing him.  I get butterflies when he hugs me.  I feel safe in his arms and I feel like I belong there.  I get a stupid shitty ass grin on my face when I get even the simplest text message from him.  Of course…I’ve gone through this before, but never has it been everything all at once.  I’m not all anxious while I’m waiting to hear from him, because I know I will.  I just really enjoy spending time with him.  Today we did something I have not done in a long time.  A date.  OMG.  It wasn’t anything spectacular, fancy, or expensive.  We went to the pool hall and shot pool.  Not a bar to get drunk and shoot pool.  A pool hall…he whooped my ass, but I think that’s because I’m used to shooting with a beer in hand.  Either rate…it’s respectful I think…but I might be wrong, I don’t know.  He is way different than any guy…I’m still very OK with letting it be “it is what it is”, because right now…it is great and I don’t want to ruin it.

Then came the part that always makes me nervous.  Meeting the family.  My gram agreed to keep Kelsi for a few hours in the afternoon while we went out, because we wanted to be home by the time the Steeler game came on.  He’s not a Steeler fan remember?  His number one team is the Redskins…which I’m ok with because I actually like them too.  His 2nd team…the Pats…which I am not ok with.  Back on topic…We’ve actually been talking since around late June or early July, but we’ve only hung out together a few times.  Here’s why…I’m very weary about who I let meet Kelsi.  So he would only come and hang out after she went to bed.  Which is another thing that is awesome because he is so understanding and flexible with it, and he works around my schedule to see me.  So to thank him and make it be about him…I planned a surprise day for him.  My original plan was to take him to see District 9 since he was dying to see it.  That failed because I had to keep the surprise and he made plans to go with his brother.  Next plan…batting cages, since we both used to play.  That failed because I’m a dumbass and didn’t call to see what the hours of operation were.  So went went to go shoot pool.  Afterwards we went to pick up Kelsi.  I was nervous.  Very very nervous.  Not only was he meeting my daughter for the first time…but also my gram and pappy.  He’s such a good sport.  Surprisingly it went well…maybe a bit too well.  My gram really took to him, but she did notice first thing…the Patriots hat.  Gotta love her.  Even better…he’s great with kids, and Kelsi really seemed to like him.  (I’m not looking for a Dad for her though…she does have a father which right now isn’t his fault he can’t be around.)  She even high fived him when the Redskins scored a TD…ya I’m gonna need to have a little chat with her. 

So what am I trying hard at not doing?  Falling too fast and pushing him away.  I know, doesn’t make sense right?  Well…in one aspect I normally fall too fast all the time.  The other aspect…I push the good ones away…the ones that would treat me like gold…I want nothing to do with them.  Maybe it’s because I wasn’t ready yet?  Who knows, but the ones that lie to me, use me, or treat me like a piece of cat shit that the dog drug in are the ones I chase.  So…really if you’re reading this and I’ve ever pushed you away…deep down I think you’re a good guy…and again if you’re reading this and you’re one of the ones that I’ve chased or fallen too quickly for…yup, you’re the asshole.  It’s because of those assholes that I judge every guy to just automatically lie to me or think that if they are being nice and sweet they only want something…like teh seks.  I know or at least I’ve always believed that when the time comes for that great guy to come along, I’ll just know not to push him away.  I just don’t know though…I’m trying hard not to fall which I’m doing very well at I think…and I haven’t pushed him away yet…so we’re good so far!

I’m keeping this one around I think…how could I not?  Now I just gotta talk to the gram tomorrow and get her opinion.  I’m not sure if I’m more nervous for her opinion or for when he was meeting Kelsi, Gram, and Pap all at the same time…*crosses fingers*

‘

You know how you can be perfectly fine then all of a sudden have a major emotional breakdown?  That was tonight for me.  I was fine at just being pissed off at the world until a friend told me…”Don’t forget…you’re awesome.”  I lost it then.  Started crying and cried for about an hour.  Everything just built up…and that landslide took me down pretty hard tonight.  I’m not quite sure what tipped it all off…it could have been one of a few things.  Last night at work…one of the days I actually get out before 7pm I agreed to stay late to help with the coverage because we were backed up.  I stayed an hour and 45min longer to help.  That cuts out of little time I get with my Kelsi.  To refresh some memories…I was forced to work night shift to have full time back.  I have not worked an 8am shift since 2006.  I am a single mom…I have no other option.  I’m forced because there are people that refuse to work more nights because they have families…and a single mom working full time with one daughter isn’t a family?  I rest my case.  Back to the point…I stayed last night thinking…”Hey…I just got back from vacation…I can stay some extra to help out.”  I ended up staying later than I intended…and what happens tonight…oh yes…I get stuck on a call that passes me over 30 minutes.  Better yet…I’m at work until 9 tomorrow too.  So there goes my shot at spending anytime with my girl in the past 2 nights as well as tomorrow.  But…it is what it is right?  I can’t change it…so fuck it. 

Next thing that could have tipped it all off for me tonight…I got a “newsletter” from the daycare I take Kelsi to.  Newsletter my ass.  Basically it stated that due to government conditions they are no longer receiving money from the government to operate or for subsidized daycare.  Well no shit dick tracy.  I’ve been on the waiting list for subsidized daycare for 5 months now.  They wanted us…the parent…to donate materials needed for day to day care like paper towels, cleaners, and stuff like that to cut down their costs so they can still operate.  Um…excuse the fuck out of me.  Not only did I just have to pay for the week my child was not at daycare due to vacation since she is not considered full time…but I’m also waiting for subsidized daycare…for the government to approve me to have some government money to take care of my daughter while I go to work full time.  Really?  You’re telling me…that I can go to work FULL TIME…and I can’t receive any money to help with child care…WHILE I WORK…but there are people out there on government assistance that don’t NEED it…and they are only USING the system.  You know…the ones that spend their money on booze and drugs instead of diapers or food for their child.  Then you have people like me…who go to work and work hard at their job where they get treated like the piece of cat shit the dog drug in…and don’t take anything from the government for assistance because there are other people out there worse of than them that actually NEED it.

It all sickens me.  Especially when I don’t get to see that daughter that I’m working for to support on my own…that daughter that goes to bed within 15 mintues of us getting home, where there are other daughters and sons out there that get to spend the evening with their families…that daughter that the government won’t recognize…that daughter that needs her mother just as much as her mother needs her…

July 20th.  That was a month ago.  I said at that time I was going to try to get back into writing.  It’s August 20th.  I tried real hard didn’t I?  Doesn’t matter if I did or if I didn’t…I’ve had way too much going on to even considering sitting back down to write.  So here’s the cliff notes…I studied my ass off for the Pennsylvania Accident and Health test.  I passed…first time.  I took it upon myself to do it for work, my job…no one suggested it to me…and now I sit and think why?  Yet I’m studying for more.  Next mini chapter…We went to the beach!  I didn’t want to leave.  I swear I could live there.  We did nothing but lay on the beach all day long…except the one day we had crummy weather.  Yes…I did brave it out and wear that 2 piece I got!  I got clobbered by a few waves, but that’s the whole point of the beach right?  It was a much needed vacation…but now that I’m back to reality…I think I would have rather stayed in the world I’m back to instead of having the taste of sweet freedom where everything is perfect.  Just makes a shitty world that much worse.  All in all though…the trip was great.  I got to spend time with my Kelsi that I don’t normally get thanks to the shitty shift I’m forced to work.  Next mini chapter…there’s a boy…he is definitely different than any I have ever thought might have been worth anything.  Hard to explain…but for once I’m ok with letting it be “it is what it is.”  A few of his plusses:  Pens fan, Buccos fan, very tall, brown hair, adoreable dimples, loves his dog…the beagle, and by far the best hugger I’ve ever hugged.  His minuses:  Hates the Steelers, and a Tom Brady fan.  Nuff said…

Good question.  I look back over the past few months and I can’t even really say for sure.  I know one thing though.  I’m in a better position now…than I was those few short months ago.  I know…I said yesterday things probably wouldn’t be positive.  There’s been a lot of crap that I’ve dealt with recently, but looking back now…I’m seeing more positives than negatives.

First things first…I got really consumed with hockey.  Would you really think I wouldn’t?  I love those boys…and men.  It’s a long way til October.  I know…hockey was over in June.  It’s now almost the end of July…where did the rest of the time go.  The Bucco’s???  No…I kid.  Ever since Doumit came back though I can’t seem to pull myself away. 

Other than that…I started to really focus on myself.  You know the saying…you have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with anyone else?  That was me.  I wasn’t happy with myself…so I just let people walk all over me…treat me like garbage…and let me be a convenience for them.  Now…its a different story.  I’ve changed.  A lot.  How much?  Lets try about 30lbs, or how about new hair color?  Maybe even respecting myself enough to actually look decent when I walk out the door for work as apposed to tshirt and jeans everyday.  I really have a new string of confidence.  Not because of the weight I lost…but because it was something I set my mind to…and actually did.  I work out now.  Yes…that’s right…I work out.  Something I’ve never done…but after doing it a few times…it made me feel great…so I kept doing it.  The workout isn’t anything special…and there isn’t even a set pattern that I do.  More or less it’s dancing my ass off with Kelsi…with weights…and with her…she makes sit ups fun.  I even bought a 2 piece suit for the beach this summer…I don’t know if I’ll actually wear it…but I never even considered buying one before…and now I did.  It’s like I’m a whole new person…but I’m still me.  I’m doing things I love now.  Not things others love.  I’m finally feeling like myself.  Maybe…just maybe…I’m finally becoming who I’m supposed to be…without changing much.  Probably makes no sense to anyone but myself…unless you’ve been in my shoes.  Or if you are in the shoes that I was in…I hope someday you can see the new stand point for yourself.

Where am I going to be?  Who knows…but I’m getting close to finally breaking my shell.  My bestest buddy told me the other day…”You’re too nice, you’ve got to stop letting people walk all over you…but you’ve got fire in your eyes…and when you finally do decide to blow…I don’t want to be around because it’s going to be ugly.”  They are right.  I have so much anger and rage built up inside of me from being walked on, lied to, betrayed, whatever it is…you name it…that someday, someone who does me wrong…won’t know what hit them.  Not literally of course.  Honestly…I think I’m even afraid to see what it is going to be like when I blow.  I think it will be something I need though…the final crack to get this shell off…

Way too long.  To sum things up…I’m still alive.  Really…that’s about all though.  I need to get back into writing again because it was almost as my way out.  I got too busy for a while…but now I think I really need to take 10 minutes out of the day to just sit and write.  Though I’m guessing that most of the things I write about will not be happy things…or only me venting my frustrations in life.  So ya…I’m back…but this is a fair warning that things just might not be pleasant for a while.

It has been a rough past 2 weeks.  I’ve been sick…and when I’m sick…I’m really sick.  I have not taken off a day of work for an illness since April, 2007…2 years ago.  I’m one of those people that just deals with sickness really well…and I hate it when people complain because they are sick but refuse to see a doctor.  Last week…I took 2 days off…on my second day off…I called the doc…he called in a Zpack and cough medicine for me.  Neither worked.  The Codeine in the couch syrup was pretty nice though.  I wake up today and I literally feel like I got hit in the head with a puck coming from Gonchar’s slapshot.  I called the doc and went in to see him.  I’m glad the diagnosis was just a very severe sinus infection…which he put me on a stronger antibiotic.  I’m praying this works.  I swear…I have never felt so weak and helpless from an illness.  I hate being weak.  I don’t deal well with it…which is why I had my episode today.

It’s just my luck to get all of the difficult clients on the phone when I’m not myself and can’t handle it.  One or two here and there are fine…but literally every single fricking client I talked to was a pain in my ass.  The healthy me…I can handle that no problem, but when I’m sitting there either with my sunglasses on or covering my eyes because my head is throbbing so hard it hurts my eyeballs to look at light…that becomes a problem.  This has been going on all week…I don’t think I had one client this week that was just an “ok” client.  I finally lost it today.  I started bawling at work.  I don’t do that shit.  That’s when Mik says to me…”Come on…we’re going to lunch.”  Ok sure.  We hopped in the car and listened to some Clarks. 

I’m still not quite sure why I started to randomly bawl.  It could be all the stress that has been building up for the past few months and this pain in the ass bug I have is just bringing everything out.  I know I’ve been needing a good cry all week, I did shed a few tears last night too.  I knew I was going to…I was on my way home and I felt the tears coming on…so I call up someone pretty special to me just to say hi…it always makes me smile to hear his voice…but then I think after I hung up…I shed the few tears because I realized how much I miss him.  I do feel better now that I finally cried today.  I feel like I got a lot out.  My head is still pounding and my eyeballs are throbbing…but I don’t feel so weak anymore, and I certainly don’t need to do anymore crying.  Though it probably would help to clear up my sinuses…

This sickness needs to go away…because it is consuming me.  I’m normally the person that takes care of people…and I actually feel right now that I need someone here.  Not to wait on me hand and foot…but just someone to have for company…and maybe a few hugs.

I’ve noticed some things.  I have the same people that leave comments here over and over.  There is nothing wrong with that…I appreciate all of them…since I don’t really write for just myself of course.  What I have noticed though…all of you (and you know exactly who you are) that take notice to me not posting in a while…never leave me any comments.  How’s that fair?  You gently remind me that I don’t post, but then I get no feedback.  So this is my gentle reminder…when I post…I like comments…positive or negative…call me out for not posting…I’ll call you out for not commenting.  *big evil grin*

Yes…it’s been a while since I wrote anything…and once again I’ve been reminded by quite a few people that I haven’t posted.  So…whats life right now?  Pretty damn confusing.  I’ve been told that people enjoy my insights on life…but I really can’t understand why.  I have a boring life.  Why it would be somewhat entertaining to anyone is beyond me.  I mean really…does anyone really want to live my life?  Does anyone want to crawl into an empty bed and cuddle with their childhood stuffed animal?  For me right now…it works…but only because it has to.  I have no other option.  I used to be on the phone until I fell asleep…but that doesn’t happen anymore…could be a number a reasons why not…but that doesn’t matter.  What matters is that the good things that I had…are no longer around.  That’s what they say though…all good things come to an end right?  The end could be days, weeks, years, or even decades after they begin…but there is an end eventually.  It’s really up to you though to determine when that end is…and how much you are willing to put up with before you say yes…it’s the end.  My whole life I’ve always put up with way more than I ever should…and the end should have come much earlier than things actually did.  That’s me though…big heart…won’t let anyone know I’m upset or when something is bothering me…I just go with the flow and whatever is best for any other party but myself is the way I roll.  Who cares about Miss Aimee right?  It’s all I’ve grown to know…and as history repeats itself…it seems like it’s all I’ll ever know.  The only way for me to know something else is to change who I am…and if I change who I am…who does that make me?  Certainly not the Aimee that people know…or the Aimee that herself knows.  Same theory…in which a very good friend of mine once told me…”The bigger the heart…the bigger the hurt.”  It’s so true in my case.  I really hate that I have the heart that I do at times…especially when people don’t respect it or even acknowledge it.  The person I really am…I’m that doormat…free to walk on…only because that’s who I am.  I’m not saying I like it…because it actually causes much heartache.  I’m not going to change who I am  just to not be walked all over.  It’s who I am and no matter how had I try to change…it doesn’t happen.  I might as well just accept the fact that yes…I’m just a pretty little flowered doormat.  Sooner or later…it will all come back around…and once I find someone that won’t take that heart and shove it in the mud covered doormat…it will be all be worth anything I’ve ever gone though.  I’m still a believer in everything happens for a reason…and everything is done to teach us life lessons…though there are some people that never really get taught those lessons…they just keep wiping their feet on a pretty flowered doormat…

” REMEMBER, THE LIE ITSELF IS WORTHLESS, THE LIAR IS WORTHLESS AND THE REASON FOR DOING IT IS WORTHLESS. INTEGRITY, SHAME AND GRIEF IS WHAT HURTS THE PERSON LIED TOO. IF YOU WERE LIED TO AND FEEL WORTHLESS, THEY WIN. SOMETIMES ITS A STEEP PRICE TO PAY FOR BEING A GOOD PERSON I GUESS. AND I KNOW YOU PRETTY WELL, YOU’RE A GOOD PERSON. :)  “

He asked me what was wrong at work one day, and really I had just been thinking about how much I’ve actually been lied to…and the people that do it just keep lying and lying thinking that I don’t have a clue.  I said nothing more than that…I hate being lied to and I’m sick and tired of it.  The above was what he said.  Since then…I’ve had a different look on things.  It’s not me that’s worthless…it’s the lie and the liar.  2009 is going to be a great year if I keep this attitude. 

It didn’t take me long.  I actually thought for sure that the last time I quit…I wasn’t coming back.  It was my longest break I have taken.  Friday night, I logged into game.  Really just to say hi to everyone.  (I’m not kidding.)  I had no intention on coming back to actually play.  Well…once I’m in there…I see all the fun stuff I’m missing.  (And getting my arm twisted ever so slightly to come back.)  Guess who went out and bought WoTK the very next day.  Oh yes…Me.  I don’t plan on playing hardcore like I was before, but I still want play.  I have lots of studying to do and with working full time, I imagine I’ll only get the chance to play a few times a week if that.  That’s cool though because I’ll get tons of rest bonus!  I hope I can find the happy medium between real life and game.  I’m definitely enjoying being back so far that’s for sure!!!